This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization

This is a product of being awake for 17 hours, working a 10 hour shift, Christmas shopping, 2 mochas, studying for Christology final, fooling around with the idea of a 10 page paper, and being left alone... If I was left alone for a week.. Oh my gosh don't leave me alone for a week.

My Idea was that I was a figment of God.. I started looking up defintions.
Figment: An Invention; a fiction; something invented or devised. Fiction: A creation of the imagination. Feign: Touch, form, mold, conceive, devise, stroke, smear-- to put on an appearance of or pretend-- to make believe; pretend. Imagined: To form a mental image of something not actually present to the senses; represent to oneself in imagination, conceive; to assume or suppose; conjecture or guess; think, beieve, or fancy. To form mental images of things not present to the senses; exercise the imagination, suppose. There are some verses that always stay with you in your mind. One of them for me is the verse about how life is just a vapor. Life is so short so what in the world am I doing here making flashcards while there are children in other countries who are sent to fight a war and can't even hold up a gun? Why am I even sitting here writing these words? A vapor makes me feel like I'm not real or if I am real than life is super surreal beacause poof I'm here poof I'm gone. Ok, I'm not crazy I know I'm real. I'm just trying to make sense out of my late night thoughts. I am most of the defintions. What's the difference between imagination and dreams? I had to at some point be imagined by God. Why do we encourage imagination so much? We play with the word negatively and positevly. We encourage people to imagine but when we voice our imagination we look down with our voice by saying, "Oh you were just imagining things...." If we imagine and voice it as a dream or ambition is it any different? Am I an imagination? Am I an imagination with an imagination? How do I become real? :) Thanks for bearing with me even though there aren't any bears here....

Thanks all two of my readers... Sarena and my Mom :) ha

I think it's a rude gesture to tell a stranger to smile...

Why would I ever ask God for anything? I think our "prayers" get consumed with asking instead of thanking. We're suppose to be in this attitude of thanksgiving at all times but yet I think most of us make a thankful sandwhich. Do you know what I'm talking about? Ever heard of a compliment sandwhich? It's a term used in work places I feel. It's where you tell a person they're doing a great job, give them input on an area they need to work in, and then say they're doing a great job again. We do this so we aren't harsh with improving them. Compliment, construct, compliment. What we're iterating is the construct though. I feel like this is how our prayers usually go... "Thank you God for this day in which you have made, Please allow me to do this and that... but I mean only if it's your will, thank you again for your son." Does this make sense? I'm not trying to be rude I just think we routine our prayers with Dear Gods and signed in your Son's name Amens. We say thank you but we don't have a heart to it because we want to get to the middle, get past the introduction. The point I'm really trying to make is be thankful. Just be thankful. because you know what the rest of the world is worried about today? "Am I going to have clean water." You just don't realize how beautiful your life is. Love it. Embrace it. Be thankful for it.

You'll never be a vegetable... even artichokes have hearts

Do you know the part in the movie Amelie where they are saying what some of her favorite things to do are? One of them was to stick her fingers in the buckets of beans at farmers markets, I was thinking what were some of my favorite things. I'm sure most people wouldn't really think about it because they don't know what their favorite things are. Most may say watching movies. Well I know what some of my favorite things are and one of them came back to me as I was getting the mail the other day. I love going to the lost and found in churches and flipping through the left behind Bibles. I love to see at what part God touched them or spoke to them loud enough they needed to underline some of the alphabet. This is connected to me going to the mail box becuase I ordered a used book for a class and I just love going through it and seeing whoever owned this book before me caught their attention. I love seeing that at one point they stopped using a highlighter and used a pencil.. what happened to the highlighter? I love the book mark they left in it. It's a little distracting but... It's one of my favorite things...

Intelligent Input Darling

Another night of thoughts written down with a pen then typed up days later to share...

-Sometimes I like the voices you've given homeless people. The tone they use to say, "God Bless" when I offer a bag of cheddar sun chips.
-God's love I've come to realize is a different type of love than what I'm accustomed to
-Hopscotch should be in Ihop
-Kenny Rogers is behind us
-He's telling me to meditate on what he just said but I didn't hear what he just said...
-"Man can not stop the move of God"
-I love when people hum... it's beautiful sounding

Then something more worth your time
-The man speaking said something that really touched me. He said that once we learn to see beauty we'll be able to see it everywhere. He then mentioned soemthing about finding beauty in your husband eating breakfast. So I started thinking about my future husband eating breakfast. Will I be able to find beauty in him eating ceral? Will I be able to see God in him? What ceral is he eating? Would God eat that? My prayer now is that in the mundane times I'll be able to find the beauty of God in my husband and in my future children and find it in my present family that I've been given now.

prayercakes

We went to Ihop for the second time. We didn't stay for too long so here's a list of the randomness I wrote down.
-I often try to blink even when my eyes are already closed
-I can't get quick scrabble off my mind.
-If I do keep my eyes closed I can't see you :)
-I love the word manifest.
-Jesus commands attention
-I'm actually quite confused by handclaps. It's so small but yet sometimes it's a praise. All I have to do is put my hands together and I'm giving praise.
-If we declare prophecy in speech should I pay closer attention to the words coming out their mouth?
-Dear flute, I'm not sure how I feel about you yet.
-"We are like men who dream."
-He says 'Gawd' but it's cute Gawd
-Psalm 112 should probably be my home

This thought is built off of a thought of Alison
-Alison wrote a poem about an oak tree and I'm not sure if the tree was supppose to symbolize anything but one line she wrote read something like, 'I wonder how many people take in your beauty and never have a second thought about you.' But trees produce the air we breath so subconsciously we're thinking of those trees as we're equipped to think to inhale.This just goes back to my favorite Nooma video, Breath. He relates how God breathed into us and how the name Yahew was essiently sounds of breathing. So his question is the name of God breathing? Could you be saying anything? Say anything you want and I'll choose to hear the name of Jesus. So going back to referring to Alison's poem. We say we don't believe in this God or we question God and never give it a second thought. But truly we're subconsciously saying His name, thinking of Him.....

This room gets so small sometimes...

-If you've been reading my posts, I've talked a lot about being more naive in my outlook and faith. Although I'm pretty sure that Lizzie and Sarena are my only two readers... Anyways.. the other day I was reading in Matthew 18 and in the Message version verses 2-5 go like this. Jesus is talking to the disciples, "I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom. What's more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it's the same as receiving me." It's a passage you read but need to read again and again.

-If I'm totally honest with myself what do I really value?
-I hate the routine of prayer requests and the sadness and often the complaining that comes from it.
-We talk too much.
-sometimes I sit next to strangers so it doesn't look like I came alone

Amongst the crowd a heart will break and a heart will mend

-the day I take time to pick out a shirt, do my hair, and pay careful attention to the way I apply make-up I gain the confidence I need to find that I'm beautiful. I look down to find coffee all over my shirt with no place to change... it's never about material things. Don't ever waste your time on it.. spend the extra time picking out your shirt, doing your hair, applying the make up you wear on your insides; your intestines, organs, and your soul.

-There are just certain songs you have to listen to with your eyes closed.

Love furiously..

"Today I shout Jesus into my heart.."

-Abercombie girl

I narrate my life as it happens..

I'm standing in the return line at Wal-Mart and a small girl, who's a little shorter than my waist is staring up at me. She's wearing princess shoes and a shirt that reads, 'Future Rock Star.' I decide that since she's a child and she's staring at me there's no need to avoid eye contact so I blankly stare at her. Both with no emotion on our faces we hold eye contact. She mouths something to me but I can't make it out or understand her. She eventually turns her face into her Mother's dress. As they're about to walk away she looks back at me and sings, "If you were wise, you'd listen to me." And I know this is just the Oompa Loompa song from Willy Wonka but it does just go back to my previous blog. I think I need to have a more childish naive outlook.


I'm terrible with punctuation....

diction

I've been quite obsessed with listening to John Mark McMillan lately. A lot of his lyrics are really thought provoking. One song is called Carbon Ribs and I wanted a definition of Carbon. Carbon as a verb is to fill with carbon dioxide which escapes in the form of bubbles. The lyrics read... "Cause I'm a dead man now with a ghost who lives within the confines of these carbon ribs and one day when I'm free I will sit the cripple at your table the cripple by your side." I haven't completly dissected it yet but here's what I'm thinking. When we give our life to Christ we die to ourself. I believe we need to die to self daily. As followers of Christ we've been equipped with the Holy Spirit inside of us or the Holy GHOST. As we walk on this earth our Holy Ghost will be confined inside us or if we want to view it with Mister John, inside our carbon ribs. But I love the end of the definition... "Which escapes in the form of bubbles." We can not contain God. We can't place him in a box, he's just too big. And we are his and he is ours but I'm a firm believer in sharing everything. I don't think we need to become selfish at all when it comes to God. I mean truly nothing we own or have bought is ours in the first place. We need to release him. And when we release bubbles I think of innocence. We make God to be so complex and even I get a stutter when I try to speak of the word of God. I try to sound intellectual but if I'm going out to release God to others I need to release him off in an innocent, childish, comprehendable, loving manner.... And there are just some words I like for no apparent reason and I like the word cripple. We're all crippled... face it..

Elephants...

These are my thoughts written out then typed up for you to read...

July 22, 2010
-I love walking into homes and bibles are opened. If you own more than one bible.. open them all! I'm going to go into bookstores and open up every bible. I don't believe the word of God is intended to be protected by covers. Get out of the comformity bookstores! Open up all the bibls so every where you glance is a God-breathed word not a cover bounding it up.
-I love sitting at kitchen tables
-Strings in notebooks are one of my favorites.

Then Heaven Meets Earth Like a Sloppy Wet Kiss

July 15, 2010
I love this song so much. I've had it on repeat for a really long time and I've recently become so sick of it. I started thinking about love and how I hate to say it. How I even have trouble sharing it with my own mother. I love her more than anything but the words can barely escape my mouth. This video just makes me love the song even more.

How He Loves : A Song Story from john mark mcmillan on Vimeo.

Ihop... not the pancakes...

It was kind of spurr of the moment but it was a first time for Alison and I going to the International House of Prayer in Jacksonville. I just thought about the weirdest things the whole entire time. I liked it... I get some sort of high off my imagination.

July 9, 2010
-First of all I found hiliraity in that for the longest time a Kenny Rogers look-a-like was singing praise to God. I mean Kenny Rogers and his look-a-like can praise God but man it was all I was focused on for the longest time.
-I wrote down.. "Do I need to be more serious? Why do things appear to be serious all the time?" and then I opened up my bible to read a header that said...'It Pays to Take Life Seriously.' Humor much God?
-I was sitting next to someone who I thought was highlighting every single line in the Bible... but I mean the whole Bible is the living breathing word of God so shouldn't we highlight all of it?
-Then I actually wrote something more worth reading..
The Kenny Rogers look-a-like is singing, "Take the coal off the Altar God and touch my lips and purify my heart." I take almost everything literal. If I were to take this literally you'd have a severe burn wound on an area of your body where there are a lot of nerve endings. I'd forever have a speech impediment. I'd have to go out and make disciples of all nations with my hands. I don't have the patience to learn sign language, so I'd have to literally express the greates love with my actions because I couldn't express it any other way. (Then today I read Matthew 8:4 out of The Message and it says, 'Your cleansed and grateful life, not your words, will bear witness to what I have done.')
-There was another guy who went with us and I was sitting on the floor and he was sitting on a chair in front of me. He placed his bible and communion cup underneath his chair. His communion was on top of his bible and I was just watching him the whole entire time and thinking of how he's going to spill it when he reaches under there. So what happens when he reaches for his bible? He spills it and I thought about it.... What happens when we spill the blood of Jesus? I mean that stuff stains. Should we leave it or in consideration to uniform should we soak it up? I mean if we soak it all up it seems selfish, we should leave it for others to soak up as well. But we can't have Jesus stained carpets everywhere....

It wasn't all seriousness... in between these thoughts I also wrote down..
-Can anyone stand still with their eyes closed?
-Is wearing underwear always necessary?
-I feel like sometimes I might be being brain washed.
-I like to look at people's wrinkles.
-I want his shoes.. no not his.. his...
-I like to sit on floors more than I like to sit on furniture.
-Watching people is one of my favorites.

John 3:12 "I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of Heavenly things."

This is a thought from one night where Alison and I decided to go to a different Church. It was obviously different but a nice change.

June 27, 2010
If I'm standing in between a baby puking up the formula it was force fed and a girl balling her eyes out saying so audibly how she wants to worship our God, where exactly do I stand?

Son of David, Don't pass me by...

5-25-10

I don't like my testimony. The things that have happened to me I don't want to have to relive them everytime I'm asked to share my testimony. This morning I was thinking about how my ears don't match, they're just not the same. Would I if I could do something so that they would? How about the tiny scar by my eye from when I was little and I had chicken pox? I scratched and scratched until I received a scar. I wouldn't. Those are my mismatched ears, those are my flaws who make me me. My testimony isn't something screenplay worthy and it hurts to share it but it's who I am and it has made me me.

"I'll Dream in Melody.."

June 16, 2010

I had a dream last night and I hardly ever have vivid dreams while sleeping :) I had bought one of those big white creeper vans because I had decided that I was going to go on a road trip with the Couch Surfers I had just hosted. As I'm driving around the area around me is flooded. I get on a bridge and as soon as the road starts to curve, I veer off the road into the water. As I'm in the air I act quick and unbuckle my belt and jump out. I can't see anything but I start flailing my body because I'm scared and I want a helicopter to see me. Some how the bridge is low enough to the water and I was able to climb up a rail. There were people sitting on the edge of the bridge and they kept pushing me back in the water and they'd say, "You have to wait to be saved by the rescue boat, you're not allowed to save yourself."

This dream is kind of cool. Like a little scary but I suppose during this moment and now I still have control issues. Perhaps God is revealing to me that there are still some things that I haven't given to him. I'm still trying to save myself but only the blood of Jesus Christ can save me and I need to stop trying to climb out of the water and give it to him.

Galatians 3:1 Something crazy has happened for it's obvious that you no longer have the crucified Jesus in clear focus in your lives...

I'm terrible at keeping up with this thing. For some reason I really want to share today so as much as I can type I'm going to. I write a lot of thoughts down so I'm just going to type of the random thoughts I've been writing. I'll date them from when I wrote them down.


5-3-10
I'm so annoyed but listen here.... I have a faith that I'm grasping onto more than I am with this annoyance.